Twitter provides the perfect vehicle for getting right up your colleagues, friends and families’ noses with your holiday. There can be months of enjoyment gained from this, starting right back at the planning phase…

Stage, 1 January, Choosing the holiday: “Oh where should I go this year? Only one continent left unvisited – Antarctica (I’m looking at you @SandyLindsay)

Stage 2, January, the research:  “Looking for a lovely villa in Tuscany, any recommendations? #asktwitter”

Stage 3, February, the booking:  “So excited, just booked a beautiful boutique hotel in Rome. Can’t wait”

Stage 4.  March to June: The anticipation “Only 6 weeks to Marrakesh!!!!!” Repeat ad nauseum

Stage 5. The Shopping. June:  “Just found a gorgeous Sarong at Harvey Nicks. Will be perfect for Bali. And it’s on sale!”

Stage 6. The packing. 1 day before:  “OMG! Can’t get even half of my stuff in the case for the Maldives. What am I going to leave out?”

Stage 7. Morning of departure. The goodbye: “Well that’s it peeps off to the Caribbean today. Hasta la vista baby”

Stage 8. At the airport. The drink: “At Gatwick having my first G&T before boarding flight to Cape Town” (twitpic optional)

Stage 9 The arrival: “Just arrived at our hotel in Barcelona. Fantastic views of the Ramblas from the terrace” (twitpic essential)

Stage 10 The Holiday: These will mainly comprise a series of pictures of you in places you believe people will be envious of. For guidance, but by no means comprehensive, you might consider the following:

• Shot of drink of your choice on table in front of beach/piazza/pool/balcony (delete as necessary)
• Shot of your feet only on sun lounger (settings as above)
• Shot of you tucking into exotic regional meal  – Paella/Lobster/Anti-pasti etc – you get the idea
• Shot at local landmark. Try and avoid the clichés – Eiffel tower, Statue of Liberty etc, but go for “ a delightful little square we discovered in Mogadishu” or similar
• Shot with the natives: “Me with three Massai warriors and recently killed lion”

 You get the idea. These must be regularly interspersed with references to the weather, eating, drinking and how much you are enjoying yourself.

 Stage 11. The return home: In fact there is no Stage 11. Do not mention the fact that you are back home and at work within the week. Twitter followers who have never had any contact with you could get the impression that your life is one long holiday.

 So there you have it. And remember, if you don’t actually know any of your Twitter followers, with a bit of research and Google images you can do all this without leaving your desk.